So I’ve been wanting and trying and willing myself to write for a few days now, but I can’t seem to get the words out. Not because they aren’t there, but because my brain is saying that I can’t write them because they’re messy and don’t have an ending and that they don’t make sense.
You see, I want to be able to give you answers. I want to be able to give myself answers. And when I can’t do that I get frustrated and mad and don’t want to let anyone see the mess that is myself and my questions without answers. But the other day an instagram account that I follow talked about living your questions. I want to live my questions. I don’t want to be fake put together or fake happy, I want to let you into my messy and unanswered questions. This isn’t easy for me, this goes against everything I have ever let myself believe, but here goes nothing.
I went to church on sunday. I went and I was filled with anxiety and I had zero desire to be there. (note: I’d skipped church 3 weeks in a row and wanted nothing more than to run home and hide under my blankets and to ignore the world). I didn’t want to be around happy people. I didn’t want to pretend to be fine. I didn’t really even want to be okay or pretend that I was anywhere near okay. I didn’t want to hear anything about God or from God.
I didn’t want to confront the fears and lies inside me. I didn’t want to confront my own stubbornness. I didn’t want to admit that I don’t know how to trust or let go of control.
But (literally only by the grace of God and the guy who sat next to me and blocked my escape route) I stayed.
I stayed. And I heard (again) about God’s victory. I heard again how I am loved and called to live in victory. I was reminded (and I’d like to say gently because that sounds nice but really it wasn’t gentle and tbh I needed it) that defeat is not who I am. And even though it is so much easier to stay defeated that is not how God works.
So today is thursday. And honestly, things haven’t dramatically changed since Sunday.
I still want to run. I’m not sure how to surrender or live in victory. I’m still fighting change.
But I want to live free. I want to live how God is calling me to live. I want to live in and by the power of Jesus in me. And that’s the key: I am not supposed to live by my power, it’s all by Jesus and through Jesus.
And I don’t understand it and I want to understand it. But even though I don’t, and probably never really will understand it, I am still called to trust God and to surrender to Him. For some, this might be easier to do; but for me this is a daily and hourly and minutely act that I have to do. Because it is so much easier for me to grab hold of all my plans and dreams and to not let anyone touch them, but I am told to surrender them, so I have to remind myself to do that constantly.
I am still learning how to surrender. And sometimes God is gentle in reminding me that I need to let go and let Him be God. But other times I need to be metaphorically slapped in the face multiple times in order to get that I need to let go and let God. Both are useful in their own ways.
So I guess this is to living my questions and not understanding how God works but surrendering to Him anyways. (I don’t know how to end this because it’s something I’m still learning, so maybe this isn’t an ending but instead it’s a beginning?)