twenty-one

I’ve been trying to write something about turning 21 for a while now.  Problem is I want it to be happy and upbeat and show you how much I love turning 21 and being here.  But that’s not how the words are coming out; it’s not because I am not happy about turning 21, I am.

 

I’m ecstatic about turning 21.  I’m thrilled and overjoyed and excited.  But I’m also terrified.  I’m scared and feeling uncertain.  I feel all these things at once, and that’s okay.  I’m learning that it’s okay to feel happy and sad or excited and also scared at the same time.  So hopefully this post can show you that too.

 

The reason that I’m afraid and anxious about 21 is that I honestly never planned on being here.  When I was 17/18 I honestly thought I would kill myself before the age of 20, or at least before I graduated college.  And it’s taken me awhile to get out of that mindset.   Even when my depression and anxiety started to feel easier I still couldn’t imagine my life with a future.  Even now it’s still hard.  So here I am, 4 days into my 21st year, and I am telling you that I am scared of this year.

 

But I am also overjoyed because I AM HERE.  I am TWENTY-ONE FREAKING YEARS OLD!!!!!! If you had told me at 18 or 19 or even 20 that I would be excited to live another year I would have laughed and probably cried and told you that you’re crazy because there would be no way I could ever love my life.  BUT I DO! And I’m still terrified of it but I also love it.

 

I hate feeling both these things.  I want my life to be one or the other, I want there to be no conflict in any area, including my emotions.  So I guess that that’s kinda why it’s so hard for me to accept that I feel scared and excited about my birthday.

But even though I’m scared I’m living anyway.

And that’s bravery.

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