Duality is not something I am very okay with. Duality means (essentially) being two things, or two different concepts of something. I often associate duality with being two-faced. Yeah, we’ve all heard that saying before, and I bet for a lot of us it has negative connotations.
So yeah, I don’t like being two things and I don’t like the idea that I can be multiple things at once. For example, I hate the idea that I might be a bad friend. I HATE it. I want to be the best friend someone could possibly ever have, and in so doing I stuff who I am and what I want down in order to make the other person as happy as they can be. And when I inevitably make someone upset or get upset at someone (because that’s what human people do), I take it out on myself and beat myself up for not being perfect.
Whop, there’s a word I hate. Perfect. I hate this word (and let it be noted that I don’t hate this word as much as I used to) because I am a perfectionist. But I don’t like admitting that I am a perfectionist. Because I don’t want to have “flaws”. Because I want to be perfect. (yes my logic is very sound thanks.)
So how do duality and perfectionism go together? Well in my head, I cannot be two things, because if I am not being perfect, then I am failing. If I am not perfect then I am not worth it. If I am not the best then I am the worst.
But being human is being multiple things and emotions all at once. If I do something “bad” I am not a bad human. If I mess up I am not a failure, I just messed up. I do not have to be 100% perfect at every single thing I do in order to have worth and value as a human.
Perfectionism and the desire to be perfect in everything I do is something I am dealing with on a daily basis. It permeates almost every single thing I do, from work to how I spend money, from how/what I eat to my relationship with God. It manifests in so many areas, it’s hard to let it go. However, I am learning to show myself grace when I see myself falling into perfectionism. I am learning to be kind to myself, to let myself be okay with messing up and with not doing everything exactly right for my idea of how it should be.
And I’m doing a lot better than a month or two ago. However, the hardest place to let go of my perfectionism is with God. (you’d think it be the easiest because he already knows everything but idk man, it’s super hard). I feel so much guilt and shame whenever I read my bible and get bored or when I forget to pray or seek God. I know there is grace and I know that God loves me, but I feel such a need to have it all together and to be perfect before I can accept grace and mercy. This is something I struggle with daily, and it’s a daily prayer of my heart to learn how to come to God in my mess and without being perfect.