I’m going to be honest with ya’ll, I did NOT want to go to church today. I wanted to sleep in. I never get to sleep in and all I wanted to do was to stay under my covers and skip today (I guess that’s why I accidentally fell back asleep after my alarm went off and slept till 8:30… oops). But I got up and went to church because I can convince myself that it’s the right thing to do (not the right attitude I should have but that’s beside the point right now, and I’m working on it).
So I went to church, and after having a shower I felt pretty good about the day. (my roommate is also amazing and makes us all coffee EVERY SINGLE MORNING AND I LOVE HER TO DEATH (not just for the coffee but it helps 🙂 church started and I was all like, this is fine, it’s just going to be another service like always.
BUT HOLD UP EVERYONE because when you don’t think God is going to work HE WORKS.
My pastor spoke about Luke 5 verses 33 to 39, which is where someone is asking Jesus why his disciples don’t fast like John the Baptists disciples or like the Pharisees. My pastor related it back to change. CHANGE.
Now, as much as I like to think I can handle change, the reality is that I can’t. But I pretend that I can, and for the most part I can handle big change pretty emotionlessly. Like, my parents are moving halfway across the country?? IT’s FINE. NO BIG DEAL. I pride myself on being a go-with-the-flow type of person. But I REALLY AM NOT. I like things to not change. Change is hard and uncomfortable. So I cling to schedules and routines in little things. I like my closet organized a specific way and I like to use the bathroom at the same time every morning and I like to always go to the same grocery store and do the same things. I don’t like when my everyday routine gets interrupted.
BUT MY PASTOR WAS PREACHING ON CHANGE. Which is super applicable to me right now because I’ve been moving (very slowly, with lots of tiny baby steps) to getting diagnosed for depression and for all my eating issues. WHICH WOULD MEAN CHANGE FOR ME. AND I DON’T WANT TO CHANGE. But I also very much want to get better and to not be controlled by food issues and I want to be free in Jesus and in who I am. But that involves so much change and that is so so scary for me.
But ya’ll, I’m not doing it alone, right? I have friends. I have my family. I have my club. I have school counseling. I have my church and I have Jesus. If I ever talk to a doctor I’ll have a whole team of people working to get me better and to help me embrace the change.
The biggest scariest things about change is that you can’t become a new person while still holding tightly to the old person. YOU HAVE TO LET GO. and letting go is scary.
I know it’s worth it. There is so much pain that comes with holding on to my old self that anything has got to be better than the life I have now. And I know that there is so much freedom in letting go of the old person who is consumed with negative thoughts and obsessive food behaviors.
It’s worth it. It’s scary, but it’ll be beautiful.
We can do this together, We don’t have to change alone.
I am rooting for me and I am rooting for you.