I don’t want to go back to therapy.
I know I should, I need to. There is so much still to deal with and to work through. But I don’t want to.
There are a lot of reasons I can tell myself to rationalize not wanting to go back.
I can tell myself I’ve been in therapy long enough for now.
I mean, it’s been a year. I’ve gone every week for a year besides 3 months in the summer and the month of December. That’s a pretty long time. And other people need therapy too, and my counseling center is so overbooked all the time. I should stop being selfish and let someone else have a turn to get better. I am better. Look at all the progress I’ve made. Look where I was when I started and look at me now. I can rationalize not making the call and just not going again.
But, the truth is, the real reason why I don’t want to go back is much harder to say out loud and to even let myself think.
I don’t want to go back because we’re starting to get into things that I’m not sure I want to get into.
I don’t want to talk about what really hurts me. I don’t want to deal with that pain.
I talked about depression and anxiety, I could do that. I don’t know why (and it didn’t all come out at the beginning, it took a year). But this stuff, this is hard, and this is so ingrained into who I am that I don’t know what I am without it. So I don’t want to talk about it.
I don’t have to decide yet. I have until January 17. I know my therapist thinks I’m coming back. I know she probably wants me to come back…