scheduling another therapy appointment

I don’t want to go back to therapy.

I know I should, I need to.  There is so much still to deal with and to work through.  But I don’t want to.

 

There are a lot of reasons I can tell myself to rationalize not wanting to go back.  

I can tell myself I’ve been in therapy long enough for now.

I mean, it’s been a year.  I’ve gone every week for a year besides 3 months in the summer and the month of December.   That’s a pretty long time. And other people need therapy too, and my counseling center is so overbooked all the time.  I should stop being selfish and let someone else have a turn to get better.  I am better.  Look at all the progress I’ve made.  Look where I was when I started and look at me now.  I can rationalize not making the call and just not going again.  

 

But, the truth is, the real reason why I don’t want to go back is much harder to say out loud and to even let myself think.  

 

I don’t want to go back because we’re starting to get into things that I’m not sure I want to get into.

 

I don’t want to talk about what really hurts me.  I don’t want to deal with that pain.

 

I talked about depression and anxiety, I could do that.  I don’t know why (and it didn’t all come out at the beginning, it took a year).  But this stuff, this is hard, and this is so ingrained into who I am that I don’t know what I am without it.  So I don’t want to talk about it.
I don’t have to decide yet.  I have until January 17.  I know my therapist thinks I’m coming back.  I know she probably wants me to come back…