You’d think if you’re set on recovery, your brain and body and everything would fall in line and agree to recovery too. Once you set your mind to it, it should be easy.
Unfortunately, that’s not true.
Sometimes my brain is all on board and recovery is easy and a breeze. Those are good days where I can eat what I want and not hate myself and not beat myself up for doing something or for not doing something. Those are days where I do homework and I laugh with my friends and it’s not forced, it’s natural.
Other days, I don’t want to recover. It overwhelms me and frustrates me and feels impossible. My mind screams at me that I can’t do it and that it won’t matter because I’ll screw up anyways.
These days are the days that happen more often.
It’s the days that I’m in right now.
Today, everything seems kind of hopeless and grey. Overcast.
I have to remind myself why I’m choosing recovery, and I have to remind myself that relapses don’t negate my recovery. I have to remind myself that I went 2 and a half months without self-harm, and that I can start over today and if I go 2 and a half months again then that’s an accomplishment. Every step is a step forward.
Today, I am stronger than I was 2 and a half months ago.
I have more coping skills, I talked about ending therapy and being ready to take on the world on my own. I’ve learned how to open up (even though I’m still really bad at that) and how to lean on my support system.
I am stronger, and I’m always growing stronger.
A relapse doesn’t mean I’m failing.
I will be okay.